Lines,Waiting, and a Birth Certificate

 

Do you have a passport?

I am sure most of the free world in this day in age have a passport. I, on the other hand, just filed for one.

Let me backtrack.

I have a trip that is coming up in the near future, and I need a passport. The plan was to file for one back in November, but being that life gets in the way, I put it to the back burner, thus me filing for one a day ago. Now, I am one to do research before I do anything. I mean, knowledge is power! Yeah, I went there. Needless to say, that I asked people who recently received passports what I needed to do, and what I needed to take with me to get the passport. I also looked it up online numerous times. I was ready. I got this.

No I didn’t . I didn’t have shit.

I had the application all filled out. I had just tore my room up looking for my birth certificate ( keep that sentence in your mind) and my license was in my wallet. To the courthouse I go.

Once I get there, and figure out parking, go through security and then get lost trying to figure out what room I need to be in, I enter the office where magic happens. If you don’t get sarcasm, now would be a good time for you to stop reading this post. ‘Cause I’m up to my furry eyebrows in sarcasm at this point.  I step up to the counter and it goes something like this:

Lady: “Hi, what do you need today?”

Me: A passport.

Lady: “ Do you have paperwork?”

Me: “ I have the application if that is what you are referring to, and I…”

Lady: “ Do you have a birth certificate?”  ( Yup, that bitch cut me off..)

Me:  “Yes” ( I hand it to her)

Lady: “This is not a valid birth certificate”

Me: (Insert the cricket-cricket look)

Now I need to pause this story to give a bit of background on birth certificates in the state of Florida. If you were born during a certain time, your birth certificate may resemble a ID card. It’s small in size, has your full name on it, your birth date on it, the state ID number, the day paperwork was filled on you, and the day they issued your parents that card. Folks, it is the only card that most of my friends have. I have used this card since forever. In fact, I used this same card, when I filed information for my son when he was born. So for this bitch to tell me that this was not a valid birth certificate had me completely thrown.

We went back and forth as to why this what not a valid birth certificate and then I was told that I would have to obtain my original birth certificate, with a raised seal, and both my parents name on it. To the Vital Statistics office I go!

Do you know how many people were trying to get their birth certificate? More importantly, it was mid-day, like 2:00pm…why were you not at work?? There was a women there who found out that the day she has been celebrating for the past 60 years is not her birthday…yeah…she also found out that the man who she thought was her dad did not sign her original birth certificate….let it marinate now, cause this shit gets better. Her sister, who came with her, could not obtain her birth certificate because something was wrong or off about her original name on her birth certificate…Maury was needed ya’ll! I hadn’t been serviced yet, and I was getting to hear all of this, and wait! This shizz gets better than the two sisters. Before my turn, there was one more girl in front of me. I do not know how it even came up, but the girl states very loudly to the woman behind the glass: “ He refuses to sign the birth certificate, he says this is not his baby, so he wont sign it.”

Yeah

Yeah

I got my birth certificate.

I go back to the court house and the same uninterested, misinformed, non-validating woman is at the window.

Lady: “Your back!” “Do you still need a passport?”

I swear it, on everything I own, that is what she ASKED me.

Once I’m called, after a nice long wait, the person that took my new found birth certificate and other documents that proved I was me, looked at my passport picture and said “ This looks nothing like you”….

Huh?

I asked him what did he mean by that. He said if he were me, he would have asked them to take another picture.

This all took place on the same day. And no, I can’t make this shit up.

I told him I really did not care about his opinion on my picture, the lack of smile I had or the fact that all my hair was up so you really can’t tell if I am a boy or not. All I care about is filing the fucking paperwork and getting on with what was left of my day.

Yes, I really did say all of that. But come on, at this point they were asking for it.

It was a shitty day. In fact, at a certain part of the day ( when I had to go and prove I was actually born to humans) I wanted to just sit down and cry. Just have a big wallow in the fact that nothing was going as planned.

But then I went and picked up my son. He told me he had a surprise for me when we came home. I begged him not to show me something gross or tell me anything bad. He didn’t. It was much better than I expected.

He learned to tie his shoes in camp that day. And proceeded to show me multiple times with different pairs of shoes.

Because of that little display, I felt no need to drink that night.